If I Expect

I'll be angry.
I'll want something different.
Discontent.
I'll lose sleep,
and the ability to accept.

At this moment I don't know a higher power than acceptance.
Any mindless ramble I take you on could all be explained,
and if that wasn't true, you could accept it to be your truth.
What other perception matters but your own?

I'll find all the truth in lies.
I'll lie to find the truth.

I'll lay here telling myself anything acceptable,
so I know trying not to love you is possible.
I'll predict our future and realize the lack of one we'll have.
I'll shut my eyes, clutch onto my pillow
whisper my wish that it'd be you instead
to fall asleep and forget all again.

Today, is the Greatest

I was trying to remember what it was like to be a young teen in my parents home.
I remember leaving and wanting to be back.
I remember coming back—
coming and going some more

I'm sure it was the mixture of fear and the all-inclusive woes of being a young adult.
I think what kept me farthest away was my new and misunderstood understanding of love.

I feel as though there is a time when love stops automatically being unconditional and innocent.
That's why young love is so rare.
Because we can't see why love could appear to be cruelty.
At least for myself, and I mean that's all the audience there is here anyway.
The point is, I remember so little of that time because I had no idea what the fuck any part of that life meant to me.
Until now, I guess...
and of course, continuing.

I did not see I was so distant. It's still a struggle, but I know I am.
I guess that's the difference between thoughts and feelings.
My head is filled with doubt (I don't think I'm distant).
My heart is filled with confidence (I lack emotional capabilities, but they can grow).

Almost entire side note, but I'm afraid to be cocky
I think because I think all the time my thoughts make sense
That I'm right
That when I talk myself out of a situation, I know how it'll end, and it wasn't worth it.

I want to hold that girl who's not just "that girl."
I want her
I want what I don't know how to have
I want
I want
I want.

At This Moment

In the words of the wise Kanye West, "You cut me deep, bitch, you cut me like surgery."

And you're conflicted,
     I get it.
You're lost
     I saw it.
I knew you were a liar
     it took nothing to figure that out.
I knew trusting you was a gamble
when you had trouble
hearing the word.

And despite all these flaws building up
I'm still hung up on the person
I know you can be
the person you are
the one in front of you when you're standing in the mirror.

I felt so connected to you
and I miss it
I miss you.

I'm not going to hide it
I won't act like I don't want to hate every inch of you.
I won't pretend I don't want to see you hurt
from regret
indecision
confusion
desperation
and loneliness.

Loose lips sink ships, baby;
     you can't hide forever.
There's no armor to protect you
and the sword is gonna come crashing down
to shock you back onto this planet.

Did I want to love you?
With no hesitation, yes.
Could I love you?
Not today.
Will you be the one that got away?

And you'll tell a story about me one day
you'll dream about me another.

You'll look down at yourself and see me with the ink you wear.
And I'll never leave you.

You try to forget,
but not for long
because you don't know why,
but you'll always remember me.
One day you'll learn how to love, how to live, and how not to sleep away your fears.
I'll love you, always and forever.

Sincerely,
The love of your life.

For What I'm Worth

I'm accepting the fact I will be a mess.
I'm okay with it, honestly.
I'm cutting out what makes me bitter,
and burning lingering sentimentally.
Nothing else is needed to get my head going.
It'll be the healthiest thing I could do for myself.

I can be boring, frustrating, sexy, funny, angry, quiet, adventurous.
Frankly, I could be it all.
     I can be anything.
I have to remember I'm not the only one who's insecure.
Or the one who just sometimes isn't attracted to someone else.
I just need to remember to learn and hold onto it.

I'm not going to hurt myself anymore,
I'm not looking back,
I'm living today.

Here's to right now!
Now get up and move.

I Wished you Wished

If you left an impact,
     would you want to know what you left behind?
Or do you not like praise?
I'm sure you'd hate the guilt.
But really, your egos wrong,
and my head misleads us both to believe that you left something inside of me.

Musing

Anger and compassion,
true caring,
honest effort,
intellectual stimulation,
a lost cause
and a dick ache:
     ingredients for inspiration.

Reluctant Twilight

I'm not afraid of the monsters in the closet.
Those fears have run off with my mind.
I won't scatter over the spiders in my bed.
I won't crawl toward the light,
and I won't seek the shadows.
And without any doubt to swallow, I won't unmask myself.
I'm not a fool.
My heart will stay enclosed in its cage,
so my tired eyes can rest
with loneliness as my guest,

because misery intends for company tonight.
One night.

Until dawn,

when I wake to repeat again. 

Relating Ships

I love with anyone,
anyone that sways me in.
Not ever on purpose...
but the deepest kind of love.
My heart won't skip.
My stomach stops its roar.
But my mind will flutter,
and my head will ache.
I won't force an emotion.
They'll understand.
They know that I love them.
Nothing else but pure acceptance.

So here I am, falling in love,
but love holds me back.
Does that mean I'm in love?
Does that mean forever?

Will you just be my friend?

Degenerate

I'd love to close my eyes,
and not have a dream.
Drop out big,
and unravel the seam.
Roll the dice,
and indulge in my vice.

Dried-up veins lead to scares.
You've wasted my heart, dear
so I've withered away.

Habits to Victimize

Every day here, I check upon the same idea,
hoping to see a change in my attitude.
It's a constant search in a box that has remained untouched—
     quite the obsession for a powdered lunch.

Complacency, my dear
she swallows
heartache,
headaches,
love,
and the lost.
But at what cost?

A small surge to derail a flood of emotions.
A thrill to smudge reality as I continue to swindle my sanity.
Flouncing and contorting my broken wings
to escape unspoken words.

You're a lover, baby.
You're blinded by your tunnels.
You'll struggle to acquire your truth.
While you spend time pondering your pain,
and how it should be
you'll fail to see how it unfolds.

The 101 to Looking Like an Asshole

It's not the act of the supposed events,
it's the fact there were said events, and I was uninformed by you.
The sweet gestures are so useless now.
I wasn't looking to get more fucked up.
The idea of how completely and utterly stupid I looked,
because I gave a fuck about you.
My self-perception and the way I'm now perceived have been fucked with.

You could've told me
or maybe not kept lying;
not have held a false faith alive.
It would've been nice.

What's so fucked up in your world?
Where do you lack attention?
I guess we all fuck up in different ways.
No way am I beyond it.

Do you need a slap in the face?
Or are you too good at giving them, you've surpassed it?

Too bad I felt all this before.
So sad I ignored it.
Do you feel great?
Are you on top of the world?
Your life must be amazing.
No weight before you go to sleep.
You're living the dream.

Sorry, darling, for wasting money on flowers.

Next time, I'll give you the moon.

Disgrace to Love

Such a goddamn letdown.
Desolation at its finest.
Complete and utter anguish.
You're right, kid,
don't think this is for you.
About you.
Because of you.
Prosper in the glory,
because I'm a lair.
At my finest, I might be told the truth.
Whatever exists in the places unspoken
doesn't define the confliction,
or revive my afflictions.

Such a shame.
A young mind pondering love.
So dense.
Who saw it coming?
Believe me, I would've put a stop to that train.

In the Membrane

I cannot be anything I need to be,
whatever is lacking throws me to the curb.
     Fuck,
          I gotta grow up.
Don't you feel me, isn't it all clear,
I can't be the only one to understand it, dear?

Because love, love, love you might be my love.
But maybe I'm scared because of our chances.
Makes me fucking sick, so how am I supposed to do this?
The sleep I'm losing, it'll fry me.
How am I going to hold my ground?

What the fuck man?
This shit shouldn't fly,
it's peeling back my layers.

Now I know you can see my head,
and it's haunting me,
beating me.
And it's not even you, I don't even know you.

Ill Will

I'd rather sleep now.
Opiates in my veins.
Powder in my nose.
Death in my brain.

What now?
Supposed to be so serene.
Sorry me, this isn't you;
be an addict; drink some booze.

Ill will appears soon.
Give me nine pills—
sheer thrill and impending doom.
So night can start at noon.

As all my lies confront me,
and the dust settles on my bones,
will your hands hold me
while my stomach purges its grief?

Can these demons be gone?

I Am She

Her father's daughter
will abuse this pill until her stomach bleeds.
She will wind herself into a black hole of depression
to the point where she wonders if anyone can help.
Where is her mind? Where is her outlet?
One giant step to take, and she's not sure she feels any support.
Is she really better?
Do they expect too much?
False friends get her nowhere,
she has a friend in nobody.
She is a nowhere man.
She gets along in solitude,
and it's why she can't be left alone.
She really requires comfort.
The company she loves to hate.
Why is she so weak?
Is humanity going to save her sanity
or is it prolonging her demise?
When will she decide for herself?
When will she stop loving to be controlled?

When will devotion equal freedom?

Tie her up.
She'd rather fuck what she doesn't love,
it puts on a better show.
She loves the way you wrap her in restraints,
and frankly, 

she's not afraid to bleed—

It's what happens when she's in love...

     something I'm not sure she believes in as much as I do
     I guess we'll see who comes out in the end
     but all I wish is that it could be together
     don't fall behind or step ahead
     she needs you

My dearest

I'm starting to find out that you might not be so dear.
Your intentions don't seem so pleasant anymore.
Do you fuck someone else in your mind?
I'd be stupid if I said I didn't know who.
When you sleep next to me at night I lose security.
You're nothing you were before,
and maybe I felt this fear in the back of my mind.
I thought I was your only.
Who do you love more, baby?
Who would you rather fuck?
Sweetie, you gotta pick.
It's not just about you when you bring us into it.

damn

It's this heart-sinking feeling
and the way mine is sunk.

I'm starting to wonder what is good enough, and I'm questioning if I was giving her my best attention. I don't get how things can move so fast, and I could have seen this coming if I was looking, right?
I didn't want to look out for this kind of shit; I didn't think it was necessary here. Questioning your whereabouts and defensiveness. Looking through your messages— why is it now I feel I won't be able to stop once I've started.

"Tell me, baby, what's your story, where you come from
and where you wanna go this time

Tell me lover are you lonely

The thing we need is never all that hard to find?"

I don't know how this shit happened so fast.

I'm glad I can't think about it so much right now. Today is going to suck.

When we breathe

The times when I lose my breath or when it's hard to take when one in, I know those are special moments.
It's when I'm breathing in to get high
and hitting Route 66,
when a car collides with mine,
cumming,
sucking down a cigarette,
crying,
thinking deep,
the breath after a long run,
giving birth,
shitting,
dying.

and the point?

"I'm ready for the funeral"
and "if you are what you say you are... have no fear"

How long will a person wait before it's too much? I couldn't tell you how it feels to see everything you want within arms reach, but she's not there, and I feel it.
Am I afraid of what someone see's from what I write? No, I'm afraid of what my brain isn't seeing now.
"but maybe I'm just tired, tired of never knowing"
Where's that part of me that still cares about my future, I wouldn't be too fond of burning out.
"I can ride my bike with no handlebars"
somebody watch me flyy.
"look at me, look at me
Driving and i won't stop."

Dreams Love Legs

Hey love, I'm so sorry.
Her porcelain legs fight my eyes,
and the way her auburn hair shines;
darling, it just makes her lips more tempting.
I've always been a sucker for big blues,
and here rests a perfect pair;
a duet of oceans.

I'll take a few steps back,
but baby this archer has range.
I'll fuel the fire,
and she'll continue to make the leaps.

What am I supposed to do?
I'm fighting this battle alone,
and it's no secret I'm far too into my head;
shoulda left those dreams in our bed.

Lover, I need to come home...

No doubt

I'm not so pathetic anymore.
Everything is just going at a beautiful pace.
I'm looking forward to anything that could happen.

<3

=]

Today, I took a really big step, and that's all I have to say about that.

When you fall in love in love with someone you just know. You know this will be the person you fall in love with, they may be your first or the only person you could love that much in your life, but there is just one second when you know. And if you love them let them go.