If I Expect

I'll be angry.
I'll want something different.
Discontent.
I'll lose sleep,
and the ability to accept.

At this moment I don't know a higher power than acceptance.
Any mindless ramble I take you on could all be explained,
and if that wasn't true, you could accept it to be your truth.
What other perception matters but your own?

I'll find all the truth in lies.
I'll lie to find the truth.

I'll lay here telling myself anything acceptable,
so I know trying not to love you is possible.
I'll predict our future and realize the lack of one we'll have.
I'll shut my eyes, clutch onto my pillow
whisper my wish that it'd be you instead
to fall asleep and forget all again.

Today, is the Greatest

I was trying to remember what it was like to be a young teen in my parents home.
I remember leaving and wanting to be back.
I remember coming back—
coming and going some more

I'm sure it was the mixture of fear and the all-inclusive woes of being a young adult.
I think what kept me farthest away was my new and misunderstood understanding of love.

I feel as though there is a time when love stops automatically being unconditional and innocent.
That's why young love is so rare.
Because we can't see why love could appear to be cruelty.
At least for myself, and I mean that's all the audience there is here anyway.
The point is, I remember so little of that time because I had no idea what the fuck any part of that life meant to me.
Until now, I guess...
and of course, continuing.

I did not see I was so distant. It's still a struggle, but I know I am.
I guess that's the difference between thoughts and feelings.
My head is filled with doubt (I don't think I'm distant).
My heart is filled with confidence (I lack emotional capabilities, but they can grow).

Almost entire side note, but I'm afraid to be cocky
I think because I think all the time my thoughts make sense
That I'm right
That when I talk myself out of a situation, I know how it'll end, and it wasn't worth it.

I want to hold that girl who's not just "that girl."
I want her
I want what I don't know how to have
I want
I want
I want.