ATG Activator

Fingers wrapped—hand in hand—

like double helixes winding,

DNA strands, codon rings

emanating, 

here’s the key to your dreams.

Patience settles

inspiration flows

to what anticipation already knows.

[Because the muse

doesn’t wait—

she expands,

creates,

shapes pictures in the dark

and molds silence into gifts.

And wrath—

is not a sin

when it flows with truth

wading the rough waters

for what desire remembers

before it was taught to behave]

And while the James Webb Space Telescope

searches for the beginning of time,

I already know what’s mine.

I don’t need a lens

to believe 

I see stardust in your eyes.

The Weight of Choking

To spend so long being strong

I break to the

sound 

the sniff

the touch

your taste

your laugh 

your love

I choke. 

My act is up. 

Weakness exposed. 

Our love too big to wear

I choke 

to say your gone

I choke and

I take another breath

I choke

and I take another step 

From Washington St

Like most mornings, we’d watch the sunrise without you.

Gazing at the water tower

our hearts decided to meet

and for a while, your eyes met us in the morning

same as the spectacle and wonder of the ever-consistent

but always elusive

sunrise

is the only way I know how to describe

how my heart believes

through the death of each night

we will wait to watch you rise

Shadow Muse

For all the darkness you bared witness to

on my behalf

let me just say

what an honor it was to cocreate

with a moon maiden 

who runs from the sun

and uses shadows as her muse

for I am darkness

digging out a grave

while you feed me with a gaze

with your feet on the edge, careful to not fall into the void

of my broken spirit

dusting breadcrumbs and

chaos sprinkles

willfully burying our next life

and creating tricks 

with all your fanciful lies.

I Bear Water

I am so soft

crush me

you could

but I am soft

a soft river flowing

sweet rapids running

to soft salt water sands

I swim to your shore

from the sky above

to the earth below

like a soft summer rainstorm

dancing on your skin

I am soft

I'll Tell You on the Phone

I felt your body in a dream—

     the comfort and ease of my arms wrapped around you

as you use me as your lounge chair

     

     I can be your rock

     we can grow into a forest together 

I felt my hands along your curves

digging to your roots, I  

felt all the places I know

you've shown me here before

     I touch you like a flower

     as my fingers trace your spine

And I cherish the splendor

to what I have surrendered

to get to learn about your body for the first time,

every time,

then, 

and again

to whisper with praise 

beginning at your feet

while my eyes linger and dance with your hips

eager to tell the secret erupting from my lips

     anticipation builds

     longing destroys

Synonym Toast

Can you grab me a biscuit?

     No, the muffin over there—
          not the crumpet.
   
     Listen, I said the cake on the corner,
          by the scone.

Alright,

I meant cookie...

     but as we argue semantics

we've burnt the toast.

The secret I'll tell you

it starts in my sleep

when I take you to bed

I ask for a dream

to cope with the pain

I replay in my head.

See,

loving you for so long

is the kind of loving

where I forged strength

to endure

every tug and push

while the weight of distance 

kept growing

creating space in my heart 

to see you

in letters

and songs

poems

and dreams

pieces I put together

dissolving into streams 

connecting to my heart

to keep me alive

burning on the inside

because I'm in love

with the secret I'll tell you—

you're the one

I hide. 

Existential Math

I don't feel my sins outweigh my heart.

Heavy were the days I let imperfections burn me from the inside.

Dark were the days your implications left lesions on my brain.

regret it

forget it

move on

add it

subtract it

push on

dissolve the equations

     liquify the logic

not form limits and distance 

quantifying steps to weigh lighter 

     than a feather

I Left My Keys at Home

Don't cut off your nose, my girl

the words you fear despite our fate

won't disappear

and the walls you built

around the box in the dark 

where you keep the pieces of my heart

     is unlocked

The Purple in Green

Purple trees

lilac or lily eyes

I peek from my window

where I sit and think of all the colors you are 

a lucent being bleeding a hue 

to bring life to the shadows

of my blue heart

in spring

When Length is Measured (I'm Here to Stay)

She's lonely

an arm's length away
and she feels no comfort in the

ways away

     the dream clear as day

     right beyond her hand's reach

exists my heart for her to keep

[24 May 2013 13:08]

It's What They Call Faith

I'll do this forever
my always
my key
my universe

My only request:
we will not
be afraid
of stardust

Tower Moment

I'm scared of the words that will come out of my mouth
     because those words would mean
         life will become
              better than a fantasy.


I'm breaking out of the ruble—

your rays beaming through the rocks

my eyes can now catch up to my heart

to what I'm seeing

I'm believing

Do I Need Help

The old and familiar

has encroached upon my chest.

One

     two

          three.

Breathe out

cry out

erase all doubt.

I challenge my shadows 

to find shade in the closet.

One

     two

          three.

Breathe.

Breathe.
Breathe.

I can breathe.

Binary

I'm facing a fact;
the heat from the sun
can't be covered by clouds.

An insight so clear
my rushing tears
unveil the truth
eclipsing my being.

My body is my body,
my heart is my heart,
my dreams are my dreams.

So tell me,
why is this body
not the one staring back at me?

I face the reflection
in wonder—
what is my soul trying to embody?

I exist in a figure
who's nobody
and everybody.

Still, 

I beg for the truth; 

what does my skin seek to shelter?

Words
wrestle with my tongue—
my body, my body,
          spectrum of universal code.

The Sentiment Today

A squeeze to the chest,

And obstructed tear ducts—

It's a battle of who'll burst first.

Cause—daydreams, by which I'm coerced.

Erase every glance, 

     every touch, every laugh.

An illusion to the future I must learn to mistrust.

A delusion of love evoked to leave my heart crushed.

Waging war with intuition,
stirs blind faith into suspicion.
A flicker of light and heart palpitations—
     Trepidation built on ambiguous sensations.

These are the words carefully decided.
For love unrequited, so my soul's reignited.
Please know, a life without you is least desirable.
So let me leave now before I believe,
before I believe a life we're destined to misconceive.

Mere Images Mirroring

Leaving me at my weakest was not a reflection of my own.
Whether you knew if it'd give me strength was not your intention.

Willful woes of your waning heart
                     willed me to wanderlust.
Your staunch scorns seared a surge of supremacy onto my soul,
                     swaying me to sovereignty.
Cascades of contempt
                     catalyzing a contender.

Leaving me at my weakest was not a reflection of my own.

Your words, your views;
                     it's what I feared in myself.
Regression based on your unconscious projection,
                     will not be my transgression.

Leaving me at my weakest was not a reflection of my own.

Digging to Learn

Reading between the lines

between the struggle

the sorrow.

Dig deep, young love
because you're dying to thrive.
Don't sell your soul short this time.

Generally Speaking

My voice is quivering.

I'm ready to shout,

but the words won't come out.

Can you feel it?

Every trace of indecision

guides us to a prolonged position.  

Tonight, I will not flatter my frustration.

Instead, I'll follow the beckon shinning down,

ignore the static code,

because this is my only road.

Semicircles

In some roundabout way,
what I'm trying to say...
This has always been my intention,
to know love can transcend any condition.
     Could I be any more clear?

We'll stand the test of time, my dear.
We've wasted too much time in fear.

Now more than ever,
I see the mission to complete.
To conquer life's indisputable feat.
To come full circle,
love myself, life eternal.
As two become one,
the world receives our transmission:
"Even if we know what we've won,
the fight must go on."

Letters to Fantasize

It's not uncommon for the drafts to float around in my head,
and if only I could find the one that tells me:
"It's okay to go there for a while, but come back to it quick,
because the sun is setting sooner than we thought."

Believing Lies

These eyes
search for all the faces in the paint.
Dancing with faint figures, loosely twisting in the breeze
my eyes, betray me.
Then my eyes
struggle to erase dark images.
Leering with intention, towering over my eyes
are lies to remind me;
don't always believe your eyes.

Quasi-psychosis

Why don't you stay
why don't you stay
why don't you stay
     back.
What did I say
what did I say
     take two steps back.
Because I know someday
you won't defend my attack,
throw my life of its track,
then say goodbye to your
insomniac.
Nymphomaniac.
Type of maniac.

Withstanding

How did I become so brave?
Can I build any more resilience?

     Who am I kidding?

Behind every crook is a coward.
Such a fool to think I'm any different. 

Such a fool to think I'm any less.

Such a fool to think I can't change. 

Wake up, brain! 

Sustain, refrain, secure, and endure.
Reject, affect, and remember what you're living for

I hate to have to beg, but I want more.

Because remember, I swore

Please believe me, we'll soar.
This is not a battle to ignore. 

Lo Siento Mija

Remember when my apologies weren't good enough?
Well, now I'm just learning to pick up the pieces.
So now's not the time for sorry.
You're too late in accepting my pain.

Let that be a message to the rest of you.
I know you feel like she left you too;
for a man that made our lives taboo.
Nearly impossible to get through.
So I deserve respect, where respect is due.
I'll be the one to listen to you.
As long as you promise you'll tune in too—
in to all the time I spend being blue.

A Reason to Cry

My eyes soak up the rising sun between the trees.
My ears tune into the Steller Jay's sweet song.
But my body, my body stays frozen,
tense and despondent.
My tears evaporate from the heat of my blood.
And my mind, my mind fights erosion,
fierce and transcendent.

Counting Losses

This illness has created a lot of situations to learn from.
I will figure it out. Meanwhile, it maintains to be a bumpy road.
It seems as though, I will always have to do something extra to preserve normalcy.
However, order never fully imprints,
because in the shadows of my brain
are dried up pieces formed into caves
due to chemical deficiencies.

Me too

Before I could blink, she was back in my life again.
This time she said, "I love you."
I don't think I'll hold myself back this time.

Remember

Today, I will not dwell.

To Whom it May Concern:

If only my heart could break from the hell you'll create to feel a life you'll never have.

Could you cut the last string?
I have a weak constitution. 

Not Too Normal

Right now, I'm trying to grasp how much power a few pills can have. Pills kill people, or at least they can make us feel like we want to die.
Pills are the ex-lover I fight not to call or write anymore so that I can be happy again. And they're right, I need them more than they need me, and sometimes that thought soothes my mind. I question if an average life is worth trying new pills and getting over my old lover.

So maybe the quantitative argument is that science can't be right this time. The fact is, maybe there can be no fact about someone's mind. Scientists can keep trying to understand neurotransmitters, but something as complex as the human brain, even more so the universe just might not need to be explained, but felt. The answer is simple, through faith, we will seek understanding, not science.

Now how do I tell this to my doctor as my reason for not wanting to pills again? How do I weigh the options of which one will kill me slower so I can stay a minute longer in the end?

Knowledge is Power

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, 
in all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5-6.'

Is this true knowledge? 

A greater understanding than myself?

Who do we think we are,

going against the grain?

Why do we praise demons?

If everybody's placing bets,

whispering, "who do you think will win?"

they must know our weakness

because those whispers always lead to sin.

Let's all get wasted;

we'll release the beast within.

Just don't lose faith, girl; he'll calm the rage again.

You must now trust him

and have a greater understanding than yourself.

Full Circle

Scars won't let me forget,

and maybe that was your plan.

Time has not healed your failure to break the cycle.

You're keeping up with the Jones',

because you couldn't beat 'em, so why not join 'em?

Your Baby Girl

My eyes shatter in the mirror,

as your fingers twirl through my hair.

White knuckles rest between my knees;

the only vision to cloud my memories.

I'll scream; run to your bedroom door, 

until your threats glue me to the floor.

I can't take

another day
of not knowing who you are!

Conscience

Sorry, little baby,
you couldn't say a word.
Your mama and your daddy
didn't know what they'd be missing.
And if I die, before I wake,
I pray to see
those brown eyes,
your dark hair,
crooked teeth,
knobby knees,
and the hands that will forgive me.

Conversions

I don't have a topic, but on times in forced solitude, I feel the passion for writing like I once had.
It's a struggle. I don't get enough of this to even call it a practice I partake.
All I have are the clicks and settling of this crumbling hangar. To screw, nut and bolt my way through this four-year sentence.
I feel so dry, the dust has caked to my glasses. Fuck, and it's flowing through my bloodstreams.
The gallons of words spewing from my mouth, cannot be measured in ounces.

The Way Your Body Hooks Around Mine

It must be the way...

Now I won't rest without you intertwined.
Now I'll look both ways.
Now I can't smile if yours is missing.

Siempre Something

I must say, it's a little hard to swallow.
The worlds I have distanced myself into
     I'm suffocating.

I have to tell the truth, I love my man. I love myself, but I'm losing it to anger.
I can't seem to separate the incompetence of these fools, and the love I used to have.
Somewhere I lost the ability to be civilized.
Those rights I fight for— the justice served.
The freedom I live for is being swallowed by my boss.
With every penny is my acceptance to the grand demise.

The aches and pains of my morals entice my anxiety.
I've sat here for six hours, living in the past.
It's sick.
I fought addiction, saved myself with hands to hold me up.
I loved the world, and it loved me.
I saw the better outcome; had hope.
I had control of my woeful life.
I chose to protect my hands, in turn, their touch faded.
I can't plan for the way out anymore when I've already conquered larger battles.

This game
where I paddle to the end
it has too many undercurrents.

I'm melting with commitment issues.
Fuck the hand that feeds me!
I'm sick with making the best mistake of my life.

Expressing Happiness

So I'm here to say at this very moment
I miss you
and at any moment
I don't want to...

I'm writing this in love.
Sending this in hate.
Ending it for eternal sunshine.

If Anything Could Stay Frozen

The cold would never soak through my skin.
Shivers wouldn't keep my eyes peeled at night.
And you'd still be stuck to me,
instead of the rock, we left you to melt on.

A Motion Picture

Could we be here, in a moving window pane?
It's a rolling scene and what's ahead and behind isn't seen.
You're all I'll ever see.

Counting

I can't seem to find myself getting away from any sort of time.
Not a day marked off a calendar
or a watch to wear,
but every constraint is there.
I cannot count the days I've loved you,
the moments we've shared
or the years we have.

let us get out of here.

If Maybe

another lifelong month has gone to waste.